The feature this time is a short nonsense story I wrote for my grade 11 English course. The story makes no sense at all, but was fun to write and is quite funny if your sense of humour is as twisted as mine...
Bob wakes up and turns off the TV. He walks to the bathroom, covers himself with pine tree sap and begins to take a shower. He sings to herself as he washes:
"Ohhhh, I wish I was an Oscar Myer weiner"
"That is what I really want to be"
"For If I was an Oscar Myer weiner,"
"Everyone would be in love with me."
After he finishes washing his wombat, he goes downstaires to his upstaires bedroom and puts on his fig leaf. He turns off his computer and uses it for about half an hour before letting the naked mole rats out of his tuba. With the naked mole rats taken care of, she begins riding her donkey to work. Going through the stop sign, he remembers to stop off and have his ostrich waxed.
"I have to remember to buy my own waxer" he says as he parks his car infront of his favourite tea room. As he flies into the tea room, he sees his old friend, Stabone.
"Hello my new found chum Stabone!"
"Hello Bib! How are you?"
"I' fine, but my house just walked away"
"Hmmmm.....That has never happened to me"
"It happens all the time"
"What are we talking about?"
"I don't know. Just order something"
"Waiter!" Bob yells
"Yes ma'am?" answers the waiter
"What do you have today?"
"Well, we have Tang, Tang, Tang, Tang, and Tang"
"Do you have any Tang?"
"No, sorry. Have some Tang instead"
"Thanks. May I have that to go?"
"Sure" says the waiter and he throws the cup out the window at passing musckrats.
Suddenly, as Bob leaves the restaurant and starts up his dogsled, the fifty foot man eating turtles appear from their hovering space ships. Bob puts on his leather and speeds away on his giant mutated rabbit, smoking a cigar. A huge no smoking sign falls his head as he yells obsenities at the swarm of killer bees living up his rump. As he sits at the side of the road while meditating and eating cream of shroom soup, the 10,000 hippies give him flowers while performing a rain dance. As it starts to snow, Bob puts on her skates and heads down the sidewalk.
On the screen, Duncan MacLeod slashes his way through history with a real big sword.
As Bob pulls up to the green light and stops, he gets out of his car and winds it up. Some kind of small furry animal bounces by.
"Well, thats a horse of a different flavour" Bob says as she floats slightly above the road while taming her wild laptops. The sky alternates between red, blue, pruple and black as the moon bobs up and down in it's bowl of dirt.
Bob swears as the popsicles in his pocket begin to melt. "
Oh well, guess I'll have to go to work now"
Bob walks ten feet to his office door and jumps onto the huge foam rubber desk. He begins writing the news in pig-Latin. Just then, the boss passes through the door, tells himself the snakes are all gone, and retires to his private bathroom.
At 5 o'clock, Bob magically teleports himself home. His shoe rings and he answers it:
"Yes? Hello? No. Yes. Maybe. Nope. Yep. yep. Yep. No. Well, someday. Nope. Yes. No. No. No. Hell yes. No. Yep. No. No. Yes. No. Maybe later. Nope. OK. No, nothing exciting happened today. All I did was go to work and come home.
Before he goes to bed, he puts the naked mole rats back in his tuba, turns on the TV, and duct-tapes his cat to the refridgerator door so that he will know where it isn't in the morning.
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