Dating Abuse


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Dating Abuse
Monday, March 31, 2003

I found this article in the Toronto Star about a month ago, and decided to scan/OCR it since it sort of pertains to someone I care about. It's worth sharing, because it seems that stuff like this is way too common nowadays (or at least, it's being reported more then it used to). I still cannot understand the mentality of someone who puts up with such treatment. Why they would allow themselves to be put down, treated like crap and hurt on such a regular basis is beyond my thinking. However, I would imagine it has a lot to do with lack of self esteem, and both the inbred societal beliefs that one is not valid if one is not in some kind of relationship, and the illusion of love created by the mind because it needs to.

To be more clear about that illusion of love, I am basically referring to the mistake that may people seem to fall into. Love at first sight is really lust at first sight. The other side of it is the "three week symptom". Some girl starts dating some guy, and then suddenly they are "in love". Normally this happens around the 3 week marker. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about if you've ever sent any time with the "typical" high-school girl.

The most frustrating part of something like this is when the girl realizes she is in an abusive relationship, yet continues on in the hopes that he'll change. Well, news flash, people don't change. That is a hard and fast rule in this world. And it will only get worse with time.

Now, onto the article.

Control-Hungry Boyfriends Dangerous
It doesn't begin with a black eye. Dating abuse is slow, insidious and consuming. It goes from flirting to hurting.

Although it's rarely talked about, dating violence among teens is "rampant," says Christiane Martin, assault counsellor and educator at the University of Toronto.

"It's a severe problem in teen relationships and it's escalating," adds Martin, yet this social crisis is overlooked and its dangers understated.

The recent death of a 17-year-old Scarborough girl allegedly attacked by a batwielding boy she used to date is a fresh reminder that violence against young women in all its forms must be addressed, says Prof. Connie Guberman, a Status of Women officer at the University of Toronto.

Abuse is about one person's need to completely control and dominate another, she says, but the word misleadingly implies it's only bodily assault. "The physical pounding often comes after the psychological torment and coercion."

Experts agree emotional battering is the most prevalent abuse and can be devastating, destroying a teen's self-esteem.

(You're assuming that a teen girl has any self-esteem to begin with. I find this hard to believe, judging by what a teen-girl is exposed to on a constant basis. The media tells her she's not good enough, she has goddess like images to live up to, and the attitudes of the opposite sex are ridiculously demeaning.)

Canadian studies suggest as many as 25 per cent of teens will experience violence in a dating relationship.

Iowa counsellor and author Vicki Crompton says teens have little experience with love and relationships, so "ultrapossessiveness feels like love."

The unhealthy teen relationship has ultra-romantic beginnings, when a boy's attentions seem flattering and consume the inexperienced girl until she is dragged into a quagmire of control and abuse that generally spirals from emotional to sexual to physical, says Crompton.

"Those experiencing abuse often feel isolated, alone and too ashamed, so they don't come forward," says Guberman.

They often stay in unhealthy relationships because they're not aware they're in one or they fear the alternative - not having a boyfriend.

(I believe it is the second part of the sentence that matters. They fear being alone, and the attitude of society is that you must have a partner to fit in and be valid.)

"Getting a man and keeping a man at any cost" is what girls are socialized to accept, says Guberman.

The sad fact is many girls "can find their selfesteem only through the eyes of a boyfriend," says Crompton.

(And who's fault is this, you ask. Mostly the media. Though parents and especially peers play a big role. But blame it on the media, as that's where peers get their ideas anyway.)

Abusive relationships are only likely to get worse over time, adds Caroline Tremblay, clinical director of the Kids Help Phone. Abusers easily rationalize their bad behaviour as love, and blame their partner for it, she says. "But abuse is never the victim's fault, Everyone deserves to be treated with respect."

It seems to me that there is a very easy solution. Once someone is found guilty of abuse, they should be castrated, the good ol'fashioned way: vice grips.

The second part of the article is probably the most useful. A sort of "are you being abused" checklist...There's a little bit of humour in the fact that some people need a checklist to prove they are being abused, but nevertheless if that's what it takes...

DATING CHECKUP

If you answer yes to any one of the questions, you could be in an abusive relationship or headed for one.


Comments From Others

Yerboogieman
Dating Abuse
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Some girl kicked me today and I called her a bitch. Because I didn't let her borrow a dollar. No It wasn't in the leg, more between.
to in love to see
Dating Abuse
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
my bf is tell people he is NOT my bf!so people hate me and are tell me he is not my bf.but on MSN he says he love me so much. but y people hate me today 4 life one friend telled me i was to in LOVE to see he is not in love.he said i will tell people the thuet if i do a deal i said no!he said plz!plz!plz! i said no!and u r not in my school but people know u and im going to ur school all peolpe will hate me...what should i do?plz help me plz!i hate my life!

(Editor's notes: First, please learn to spell and write in an actual language. Second, dump his ass.)

anonymous
trouble with boys
Saturday, February 02, 2008
i do not have a boyfriend but there is a boy in 4 of my classes. he tells me what to do like shut my mouth and he has grabbed me by my backpack and jacket and pulled me in the classroom. he has touched me butt and then he says he loves me. he has grabbed me by my arm. in tutoring, he would not let me go get my backpack. i have to let him borrow MY pencil, ( he snatches it out of my hand ). and he then outs his arm around me. i do not no if he is just playing or being serious. he is not even my bf. what should i do?

(Editor's notes: Tell him to fuck off and then report the abuse to the school authorities.)

anonymous
Dating Abuse
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
I am concerned about my fifteen year old daughter. she has been dating a sixteen year old boy for 10mos now. He is with her all the time. gets upset with her if she spends anytime with friends and now wants her to choose between him and her best friend. He has also tried to vandalize her best friends home before. he hates her best friend with a passion! The best friend has really done nothing except try to point out to my daughter that this boyfrind doesnt treat her well and is controlling.Now that school has started he is trying to tell her that she leaves him too soon between classes. She just doesnt want to be late. And recently he is giving her a terrible time anytime she has cheer practice because the best friend is also on the team. I have read a few texts from him on my daughters phone and found out he tends to be verbally abusive calling her retarded and saying she is stupid and never listens.I tried to talk to her and tell her if someone loves you they dont act this way or jealous of every boy you talk to. She just freaked out and actually scatched my arm she was so mad and told me she hates me and I dont know anything. What do I do I feel out of control and helpless.

(Editor's notes: You are her parent and not her friend. Do what is necessary to keep her away from the kid. Talk to his parents, file a restraining order with the police, etc. Make sure this kid is now allowed in your home or anywhere near your property. If a kid of mine ever scratched my arm, they had better make sure it's a good shot because it would be the last one they would be able to take for a *long* time.)

anssavageavageonymous
Dating Abuse
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
can an abuser love you? i am in an abusive relation now but he hasnt hit me in 2 months,but sometimes i wonder cos though we make love he seeems cold and says he cant tell me he loves me cos his afraid that we argue and he would leave me so its ni=ot worth saying,though he does show t in other ways

(Editor's notes: Any abusive relationship is not worth maintaining. It's that simple. If he cared at all, then there would be no abuse.)

SNB
Dating Abuse
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
this helped me with a project i'm doing for school and i just wanted to say thanks for posting it
anonymous
Dating Abuse
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
How can you blame the media! they give you what you want to hear so whats the problem todays images are run by "strong men" the parents raising has a crap load to do with it and their peers even more so before you go blaming the media its the folks that raised ya!

(Editor's notes: Blaming the media is the easiest thing to do since people are sheep. They need to be told what to think, and the media does that. I'd love to say that it's the fault of an individual but if there's one thing that my almost 30 years on this plant has taught me is that people are stupid.)

Sharon
Dating Abuse
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Hey my bf wanks everynite then comes over and fucks me i dont like it coz it hurts but if i tell him to stop hell leave me. Wat can i do?

(Editor's notes: Let him leave. And then seek counseling because the very fact that you asked this question means that there are deeper issues.)

Marks256
Dating Abuse
Thursday, June 01, 2006
I don't see why it always has to be the males fault. Articles like this are what wrecks serious dating for the guys(like i) who actually respect girls. I feal that guys are the most likely to do it, but women have the potential...
I LOVE U
Dating Abuse
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
I DONT CARE IF I GET ABUSED AS LONG AS ITS FUN WHILE IT LASTS I MEAN AS LONG AS ITS FUN I DONT CARE I HAVE BEEN ABUSED A LOT BUT I JUST GIVE THEM MORE PLEASSURE AND WE START OVER AGAIN
Minnie Pearl Taylor
Dating Abuse
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
onece your in abuse; your in when you see those signs that they show above you need to get very far away before it get worse' my mom was in a abusive relationship and she had to fight to get out of it.
anonymous
Dating Abuse
Thursday, April 13, 2006
I really don't know if this falls in the subject of "Dating Abuse", but I am concerned about this relationship I am about to speak of. I know this older man that has moved in with a girl that is 18yrs old. He is in his late 30's. I feel this child is at an age that could very well be his child. I will say the facts are he can be emotionally abusive. I feel this child has no clue what kind of man he really is, due to her age. I am not the person to speak with either one of these people because I am an outsider looking in. He of course is happy about this relationship and so I've heard she is as well, but this is hurting all family members of his because he goes through women like tolet paper. The reason behind that term was because he comes off as being a caring person then slowly moves into wiping his butt and moves on. He has children her age, and younger that feel strange about the whole thing, because she tells them she's not thier mother, just a friend. I am scared she has blinded herself into thinking this man really loves her!!! I am strongly concerned about the children involved, and this child as well. I've known this man has played many grown women, what is to become of this child?
Meghan
Dating Abuse
Sunday, April 02, 2006
I disagree with the Editor's note from the posting made on March 15, 2006. I believe that is abuse. He's controlling, manipulative, and demanding. He's not just some immature guy that has issues. Though he does have issues and is immature, it goes way deeper than that. She needs to get out of the relationship. Listen to your family and friends, they know you better than you probably know yourself at this point. They are RIGHT!! I was in the same position as you. I was in an abusive relationship for two years and have been out of it for four months now. You have the right to go out and have fun. Having fun will not compromise your relationship if it's a healthy relationship. You can go dancing and be completely free of any repercussions because dancing is innocent. You can go out with your girlfriends and have fun. You can go out with your guyfriends as well. Just because you're friends are guys doesn't not mean they just want to get in your pants. I had friends that I've known since elementary school that I grew up with in church that I wasn't allowed to hang out with because he didn't trust me or my friends. I always had to check in or he was always checking in with me. I could not go away on vacations with my family without receiving at least ten phone calls a day and innumerous text messages. I love going to the beach and going surfing. He hated that I went to the beach because I would be showing myself off to other boys in practically my underwear. He criticized what I wore. My ex never hit me, he didn't have to yet. He had me at such an emotional dependency on him because he stripped me from every person I had in my life. I had nobody to talk to, but him. He never forgot things I did wrong and when I tried to bring things up that he did wrong, he just negated them. I never won the arguments because I never did anything right. Senior Prom is supposed to be one of your most memorable events of high school. Mine was horrific. I was chastised because of the way i was dancing. He called me a whore anytime he had the chance to because of how I danced for at least six months after prom was over. I couldn't go visit my best friend who went away to college because he didn't want me to go up there and end up partying. He was the one being controlling and manipulative, but he made it seem as though everyone else was at fault. That they were getting me to do things that I didn't want to do. He went as far as to call my best friend to have her come down to where I live so that I wouldn't go visit her where he couldn't watch my every move. He used the "stay home and did nothing" speech on me so many times to make me feel guilty for having an ounce of a life outside of him. All I ever did was go to school, go to work, and then be with him. It's a vicious cycle and you're the only one who can stop it. He will emotionally abuse you, eventually he will physically abuse you, and then he do whatever it takes to make you forgive him. He will praise you up and down, make you feel like he's treating you like a princess, but he's not. He's, in a way brainwashing you to believe that what he is doing is okay. He won't keep his promises, he won't stop calling you a "bitch", he won't ever let you go out dancing no matter how much he says he will. Ask yourself these questions: "What happens if you get pregnant? Can you see yourself being married to this guy for the rest of your life? And if you didn't get married persay, you would still be connected to him for the rest of your life. I finally answered these questions for myself and I can't tell you how grateful I am that I finally saw the light, because not many do. You're not the only one, you are saying some of the same things I was saying if I haven't made that clear enough already. You are not being dramatic and he is not just an immature, jealous boy. He is an abuser. He may not batter physically YET, but he batters you're self confidence, your inner beauty, your liveliness. You deserve so much better than this creep. Take it from somebody who has been there... PLEASE!! Get rid of him and get help fast. Don't wait, the longer you wait the worse it gets.
Anonymous
Dating Abuse
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
I think I might be in an abusive relationship. I don't know. My boyfriend and I are 19 and 18 respectively and I am in college. I don't dorm or anything, it's not an exclusive college. I have some friends at college but I don't go out like normal people do, I don't go dancing at clubs even though it's all I want to do because my boyfriend says "people only go downtown to find someone to hook up with"-and drink, there's drinking too, but I don't ever drink, so why would I go downtown beside dancing? Of course, to cheat on my boyfriend... There's no way I could actually just like to let loose and dance someplace other than my bathroom, with other people and have a good time and laugh and have funny stories to tell other than...so at work, there was this customer that came in... There are some guys I go to school with that I talk to that my boyfriend says only want to "get with me", he even asked every guy he saw today if any guy would talk to a girl with the sole intent of being her friend, and "every one" of them "said no." Or so that is what he told me. Apparently no one could POSSIBLY like me for who I am and not want to sleep with me...apparently, the only people that talk to me are hormone driven guys, and while, HEY maybe that's true, it doesn't mean that it'll mean anything past talking to them. He is so sweet to me when we are toegether but I have to be with him every day. He says that I can hang out with my friends if I want to, but that means I can hang out with girls, that he knows, somewhere that isn't public(because there are boys there), and I have to tell him about a week in advance. I am scared to tell him I want to go somewhere, because then he gets sad and asks, can I come, when really, I don't WANT him to come, I just want to live. The few times I have gone someplace with a friend he has called me several times while I was there, made a point to "stay home and do NOTHING" or actually showed up where I was, and left wanting me to follow. BOTH times when I came back with him according to his guilt, he cried and made me feel violently guilty for going anywhere, because I hurt him so badly. Not to mention that I had to make my friends leave too and drop them off because I was driving. He is really needy and cries at the drop of a hat or the text of a friend...but he never puts me down and has never hit me. He does everything he can for me, goes out of his way for me when I don't ask him to, but could it be that he does these things so that I owe him something? He tends to never forget things I do wrong and bring them up at later times when he does something wrong or when I make him upset he uses them against me, it makes me think maybe he only does nice things for me so that he can play a martyr and make me feel bad. I can't win anything, because he just cries and I feel awful, he won't let me have guy friends, and hates all my girl friends, hates my sisters because he's paranoid they want me to dump him, because they do, but he doesn't like me to even hang out with them! one is married and 22, and the other is not married and 24... But I feel like I am being over dramatic about it. All my friends, when I had them, told me he was too controlling, but maybe I am just making him sound like he is because I am a drama queen or something. I mean, I don't know...I guess it really tells me something if I am complaining to someone I don't even know for advice, I probably am just being dramatic.

(Editor's note: Well personally I don't consider that abuse. I consider that an perfect example of a pathetic and immature kid with deep emotional problems. Some amount of jealousy and possessiveness is of course normal in a relationship but from what you describe this kid is at the unhealty and extreme end. Sounds like a real loser just desperately looking for someone to cling onto. For your own emotional health you should probably dump him and move on to someone without mental problems. Of course, at the first sign of trouble....and there will be trouble, based on my past experience with these types of things...call the police and seek advice.)

anonymous
Dating Abuse
Monday, March 06, 2006
hi everyone... i no i am ... well in a abusive relationship but i dont want to leave because i dont want to hurt him and cause a problem but i know i cant change him and if i stay i get hurt.

(Editor's note: You don't want to leave because you don't want to hurt him?! Give your head a shake and then get out now. Screw his feelings. If he's abusive, then he deserves what he gets. On the same note, tell some of your larger male friends as well...)

Brookewilhelm
Dating Abuse
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Your article on dating abuse is very interesting. I am doing a report on dating abuse and i needed an article. I was wondering if you could send me the information about the article if possible: date, authour, title of the atricle ect. This would be greatly appreciated Thanks, Brooke.

(Editor's note: No idea. The article appeared in a local paper several years ago.)

natavia lynn
Dating Abuse
Thursday, March 02, 2006
hey this is natavia i just wanted to ask for adviceplz help me. i am 13 going on 14 will soon and i have a older boyfriend that is in high school he is 14 he mexican and i am blk he is really cute every likes him but i have him.when i am at the mall he gets mad at me when i dont call him cuz i am at the mall.so one night my mom went to a church convention my sister and i had our friends stay the night my mom said they can but no boys.but i wanted to see byran because he was mad at me and i wanted to make it right .so he came over andwe was talkin then my cell phone rang and it was these boys we met when we shopping in detroit.i answered but i had the phone on speaker.he got so mad then i hanged the phone up and when i did he hit me so hard that i stated to cry.another time is when i was home alone mom and sister went grocery shopping he came over and he was high so we went in my room becasue i have 3 computers because my mom makes alot of money i am really weathly so anywaaz when we did he said lets have sex i said no he keep asking i said no i said you have to leave becasue i didnt want him to hit me so when i got up to leave he peaned me down on my bed and had sex wit me i am scared to tell my sister and my mom and sister are really close but i am embrassed to tell what should i do

(Editor's note: You're way too young to have a boyfriend, but the damage has been done. First, dump him. From your description he's an abusive asshole. Essentially he has raped you, so your next call should be to the police. File charges immediately and get a restraining order. Since you are both underage, around here he would be charged with sexual assault on a minor but I don't know what your laws are. This is a very serious situation and it needs to be approached correctly. The police can provide a counselor with whom you can talk to in confidence. Since your mom is wealthy, hire a lawyer as soon as you can. They can advice you how to proceed properly.)

Seal
Dating Abuse
Friday, October 21, 2005
i think it is wrong for a girl to think she needs a man bc every women is strong on her own we dont need men to keep us staisfied with our self as long as we have friends everything is alright bc no abusive man is worth our time bc we are stronger then we appear..... anyways all im saying is girl if u feel like u are being abused in anyway drop him bc if he cheated he is most likely to do it agin if he hits you he will do it agian iv been there so take my advice its not worth your time !!!!!

(Editor's note: Am I the only one that finds it paradoxical that such advice about women being strong is coming from one whose email address is "baby_angel...."?)

nashy
Dating Abuse
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
well said......
Snell
Dating Abuse
Thursday, May 19, 2005
This is really odd so chat with me! Right on!
Bsketbllplyer123
Dating Abuse
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
i think this is very helpful bc i have a friend thats been threw abuse 3 tymes with the same guy!!! and this helped her alot.........
B-Ball 30
Dating Abuse
Thursday, February 03, 2005
I greatyl appreciate this article. It helped me greatly in my research. Tina And Timmy thank you
anonymous
Dating Abuse
Sunday, January 23, 2005
abuse is something that teens and people of all ages are all to fermilar with.many people in my life are going through or have been though this nightmar wich is an undersatement. As everyones has said it isn't easy to see the abuser and even he/she is seeked out leaving the situation seems as though its not an opption,but if i could say one thing that i have taken from these experiances it's that you are not alone and very much so loved and leaving is a very real opption.
anonymous
Dating Abuse
Saturday, October 30, 2004
This article is right on! Too bad there isn't an easy solution!! I think teen girls have been brain washed into thinking they are loved. Then they don't want to lose that love and continue to be abused!
Terri
Dating Abuse
Thursday, October 28, 2004
Thank you for this informative article. I have witnessed this experience with my daughter and her boyfriend. I also have a friend at work who is going through this with her daughter.
M & M
Dating Abuse
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
As a victim of dating abuse I know that it isn't that easy to recognize an abuser. Mine was the quarterback of the football team and we looked like the perfect couple. It took me a year to leave him and I am glad that I did. It is hard to do and they will convince you that it is just "tough love" but never let them fool you. Abuse is Abuse.
erin.b
Dating Abuse
Tuesday, May 25, 2004
i do agree its just that i think men get all the blame like only they are controlers...i think that some woman can be the same way with the men in theyre lifes..its true thoue about what you said i use to be in that kind of relationship and the guy can be really mean and make you feel like sh*t. just to let all you guys out there noe woman are smarter than you think and we are not just hear to have sex with or to look pretty we can controul our self and make our own choices we are human to you noe!!! if you love some one you will treat them right and if you noe some one in truble with a hurtfull guy talk to them....they do need help and cant do it on theyre own
brad Thelen
Dating Abuse
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
i love you guys!!!!
Savanna
Dating Abuse
Friday, October 03, 2003
I'm in a program at my school called Young adults against dating abuse or YAADA. One thing I want to point out is that article may seem like it is male bashing but it is not. Anyone can be abused and anyone can abuse. The media is to blame but don't take the blame off the person that did it. They are at fault no one has the right to abuse someone else and it is never the victims fault. I wanted to respond on E, a man that is doing this is not living in cave man days. He\she is living in this time and age. one in four high school students will be affected by dating abuse before they gradurate. And it is not humourous that someone needs a check list. The abuser blinds the victim. And some people believe it is normal due probably to our media.They haven't been taught what is right and what is not. Also it takes an average of 5 to 6 times for a victim to leave the abuser. It is the most dangerous time in the realationship. And a vicitm may stay for many reasons. But never blame the victim it is not there fault even if they do stay. If you have any more questions, I know a lot about the subject, please email me.
E
Dating Abuse
Tuesday, July 08, 2003
This is ridiculous! Any man that would demand this of a woman needs mental help. They are living in the cave man days!
erin
Dating Abuse
Tuesday, May 20, 2003
suck my dick

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